23 Jan 2015

Down Day

So I'm having a bit of a down day today...I think I'm feeling down and a bit stressed for a few reasons.
I'm hoping by writing it down I can sort things out in my head a bit and feel a little better!

1) Money
I'm feeling quite stressed about money, we're saving for the wedding at the moment, as well as everything for the new flat. Both things will be very expensive, and whilst the wedding has been budgetted for and I know what I have to save, the falt is currently a total unknown.
To add to this I bought a Pocket Finsbury Filofax the other day, and whilst I onl'y sent £14.99 on it (bargain!), I've realised I won't use it and I'm feeling stressed as I've spent money on it. I'm looking to sell it and hopefully make a little bit of money, so that might make me feel a bit better.
The problem is that at the moment, to save what I need to for the wedding I'll have about £20 spare every month, for anything else I need/want, including presents, clothes, travel, meals out etc. And I'm feeling that it's not really enough and I'm just going to have a sad year stuck at home doing nothing.
Resolution: Sell the Filofax, try not to stress. The end of this year will be a fantastic one for me with my wedding and moving into the first place that we own.

2) Food
I've posted before that I was losing weight and on a healthy eating plan. I've not passed my target and have lost around 4 stone! In terms of weight loss and my body I'm as happy as I've ever been and I love being smaller (and at 5ft the size I should be!) and having more energy.
But I'm still struggling with food and getting on the scales...I still want to eat all the food in the world, especially unhealthy things, but I'm ruled by guilt and so if I do eat too much or what I want I feel terrible.
I also feel awful if I get on the scales and they've gone up. I'm not sure what I'd think if I went above 7 stone. And I feel really good and happy if the number goes down, even though at 6st 9lbs I was technically underweight. I want to be back to that.
I can't eat a full sized chocolate bar, I haven't eaten one for over a year, 16 months...and I still can't bring myself to do it. When I started losing weight a Snicker's bar was a yard stick. In my new diet it was more calories than my breakfast, more than my lunch, maybe more than them combined. The same as having a pint of beer.
The thing is now, I will happily accept a pint of beer, but I can't get my head around a chocolate bar. I bought one the other day when I was only having a 290cal sandwich for dinner, but I was too scared to eat it.
Yesterday I ate too much, I was at a work thing where lunch was provided and I ate too many big and bready sandwiches, not to mention had 2 mini pastries for breakfast and a free glass of wine at the end of the day. Today I feel awful and guilty and I don't want to eat.
I'm panicking cause tomorrow I'm going wedding dress shopping with my mum and bridesmaids. We're meant to be going out for lunch, and in today's mindset I'm not sure if I can eat anything that's unhealthy. But if I fuss over what I eat my mum will pick up on it and make it a big thing. I'm scared.
I'm worried that if I carry on like this, panicking about what I eat, scared of putting on any weight that things might get worse...I don't want this to turn into an eating disorder.
Resolution: Again, try to worry less. As long as I'm not piling ont he pounds my weight can fluctuate a bit. I am also allowed to enjoy having treats every so often, as long as I balance them with heathier meals.

3) My Daddy
Very sadly my wonderful Daddy, who I was so close to and loved so much passed away last year.
I was at a Graduation Ceremony with work yesterday and it made me think of my own graduation, how proud he was of me. And I found it really hard. I was stood there looking at the students and their parents trying not to cry.
I've been finding it difficult lately, I don't think I've dealt with the loss completely yet, and I'm not sure how to.
Resolution: I don't know.

I can say that after writing that down and having a think, I do feel a bit better. The problems aren't magically sorted, but I feel ok.

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